Studies Show Finneytown Secondary Campus Not a Real School

This was Keith’s discovery. I remember it well: one day, he sat down in first bell and just asked me, “Is this a real school?” He had determined that it isn’t. The first and best tip-off is that it doesn’t even call itself a school. Up until my junior year, we had a wooden sign out front that animatedly proclaimed, FINNEYTOWN HIGH SCHOOL. Then they renamed the school to “Finneytown Secondary Campus” and received a new sign: it’s stone and has engraved (in Times New Roman, small, and aligned to the left, not centered as it should be) Finneytown Secondary Campus, and, below that and almost the same size, Gift of the Class of 2005. it’s an exceedingly disheartening and half-assed sign. Another clue is that the State of Ohio rated us “effective”, not “excellent”. So that means I’m learning effectively. That explains why Mrs Otten was loath to teach the class the correct way to solve the phone number problem last year. And why, the day before exams started last month and Miss Miller was doing review, she gave in to the class’s clamor and let us all play Heads Up, Seven Up. If this were a real school, nobody in high school would have wanted to do that, and the teacher wouldn’t have let them anyhow. Besides these rather major things, there are subtle clues all over that Finneytown isn’t a real school. When Keith and I find ourselves wondering why something in Finneytown is, the answer is usually that it’s not a real school. For example, at lunch Keith asked me, “Why does that clock say 8:24?” I told him, “Because this isn’t a real school.” Why did Mr Crawley mark me wrong on a question for which there was no correct answer? He told the class it was because, if none of the answers seems quite right, you should pick the term that’s most related to the issue raised in the question, even if it’s wrong. That is to say, if the question is “2+4=?” and the choices are “dasanki”, “Massachusetts”, “13”, and “efflorescence”, the correct answer is 13. Keith and I quickly realized that the real reason I got the question marked wrong was that Finneytown isn’t a real school, and, additionally, Mr Crawley isn’t a real teacher. He’s just a monitor who makes sure we all do psychology-related sorts of things. Most of the teachers at Finneytown are actually monitors, in fact, excepting only Dr White, Mr Volz, and Mr Rahn. Mr Rahn still isn’t a real teacher, though, but more of a computerized correspondence course. In a real school, the English teacher wouldn’t spend twenty minutes one day talking about her cats, and she would actually read the journal entries she makes us write in our composition books (I believe she has yet to open one of them). Our school lunches are obviously not real–hot wings drowning in vinegar, chicken patties made bulkier with rubber, and sandwiches with one slice of meat. Our mascot is the Wildcat, which isn’t even a real animal. Coming up with it required zero thought; the person whose job it was clearly had heard of some other team named the Wildcats and copied off of them. The Wildcat logo we have everywhere is just a ripped-off version of the UK Wildcat, and it’s been copied so many times by such inexpert artists that it no longer even has a nose. We’ve made some other discoveries, too. For example, the sidewalks at Finneytown Secondary Campus aren’t really paved with concrete, but with children’s broken dreams. In the bathroom, Keith regarded the sink water and said, “You know this isn’t a real school; that’s not really water, it’s the saliva of all the students.” Then he made a disgusted face and said, “Ouhww!” thus becoming the first person I know to gross himself out. We assume that on May 31st, we won’t actually graduate; instead of a diploma we’ll just receive a blank piece of paper plus an unemployment form. Since realizing this, we’ve taken a pretty dim view of our education in general, and we’re kind of depressed that we haven’t actually been going to school all these years. It’s also sort of freeing, though, to be enlightened while everyone else still has all this school spirit and thinks they’re getting a real education. That doesn’t make up for it, of course.

File under: high school, Not a Real School


Ann

History

I’m just so sorry I had to subject you to such a holding tank all these years, and I’m sure Keith’s parents are similarly disappointed. You have learned so much on your own and that’s what counts. God bless you.
-Mom

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Anonymous

History

Monopoly, what a great idea. get your license drive your sorry butt up here and try to top the master. after all, my wife reuses to play with me.

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Anonymous

History

Here’s something I’m doing right now in my proofs class I thought you’d find interesting:

Prove:
Given the set of numbers A, let A=(j^2-j, where j can be any integer, including 0)
B=(k^2+k, where k is a nonnegative integer, including 0)

Show A=B

This looks easy, but becomes fiendishly complicated. As long as you’ve shown an interest in puzzles in general, I thought you’d like this one.

How’re you doing, by the way?

BJ

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Anonymous

History

Wildcats! Get your head in the game! At least you have something in common with disney( not making lots of money). If only you could sing you wouldn’t be the debate team smart guy who………. whoops wrong movie.

Uncle Dave

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the great lamont

History

chuck!!! this is lamont again my number is totally 3493394. give me a call so i can rule your monopoly world as i have in the past. I know you still wake up at night screaming in terror because of the monopoly dreams you have that im in a giant metal shoe seen in monopoly and stepping all over your dreams. give me a call if you need closure lol.

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BOXY BROWN from LOWTOWN baby

History

yo daddyo. this is the legendary boxy brown. and i got lamonts back to the max. and not to the person Max, im talking about pushing the back power directly to the max potential. so you better be practicing your dice rolling, before lamont comes on down from funky town and takes it all baby. so unless you can destroy ever monopoly board around the world, you better brace your self for one game o monopoly you wont soon forget. And, by soon i obviouly mean absolutly never!!! thats right i just seen lamont training and let me tell you, you aint NEVER gonna forget this boy. Thats right baby lamont will rule the world, and you get one mcdonalds… picture that all coming true very soon. quit pinching yourself, this isnt a dream fool hahahah

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The Secondary cumpus Scandel revealer

History

lamont again, this time on a more serious note. After reading your post i figured i had to tell you. I go to a different school now, as you prb know. Apon arival, they asked me where i had gone to school before, i said, finneytown secondary cumpus. The school board looked at me baffled. As you may guess, ive been placed in the first grade. the credits i earned at finneytown where actually not school creds, but discount coupons for a steak dinner that expired around 97’. The math i thought i completly understood, as actually only taught to me effectively, not correctly. this to me was a total bum bum. When asked to perform simple math equations i found myself changing the subject to the weather. for instance, they asked me what 3! was in a decimal, and I asked if they had ever enjoyed a can of beans, the magical fruit. When that line doesnt work i normally throw somthing and yell “what was that?” and franticly jump out of the window. By the way, i talked to jim, the guy that did finneytowns sidewalks, and he said that the dreams were not completely broken. The truth is finneytowns teachers or “monitors” actually get paid to destroy all dream life forms, but since they can only perform this “effectively” instead of excellent, they just pave the sidewalks with the practically broken dreams to make sure that they are trapped and paved dowm forever. and then there was the prb with my gpa. It was my belief that finneytown had actually been keeping track of my grades. Turns out, my grade point was just mr. Crawleys High Score on his cell phone video game “snake”( he must suck at it). Then, like the guy on csi, i started getting suspicios. I looked for the school map Quest, but it was no where to be found. I tried to find when the school had opened up, but there was no school in Ohio under that name… thats when i realized something definatly smelled fishy. so i changed my socks and continued my research. The computer was on, and so was the simpons, thats when it came to me, What is finneytown is the worlds first humanized Skinner Box. The thought over whelmed me and i instantly fainted into a distant dream world( the ones mrs otten didnt halfway destroy). I awoke several hours later in a all white room. The government somehow knew what i had stummbled on. They told me i was the first to find out what ft really was… A monitoring psychology experiment. Thats right, all of us have made Lab rats of ourselves for as long as we have been in school. They have monitored to see what the human brain can be convinced is Reality. He told me that in the
future, Finneytown will just be a show where people think they’re just living thier lives and getting an education, while the whole world laughs at us. This is the biggest scandel that america has seen since the mob. Whats next? our Children? no.. they all ready got them… They attempted to erase my memory with the will smith stick, but a perfectly timed blink saved all my knowlege from a sure cease of existance. I must try to keep this a secret, for i fear for my life. The future of the finneytowns education is in your hands now chuck, and this time its forreal… and no free refills either. Spread the word, stand up and get out of this mind controling skinner box and revolt in the street. They thought they would get away with this, Well let it be known that they will rue this day now and forever. As for me, i must return to my post as a first grader, relearning my words and concepts, my grasp on reality is slowly tighting. the lesson plan this week is some type of alein tech called “show n tell”. I have not yet mastered the technique, but i am a level 5 shape pointer outer(not to brag). I must stay here in the dark, i must not be discovered. I must stay brave, though daymares attack my sanity at naptime, i have faith that you will pull threw the dark cave of deception into the lush meadow of flowering honesty. The search for the truth is almost over chuck, stay strong. Remember a candle flickers most violently just before it goes out. dont believe the lie sandwhiches they give you for lunch with one slice of truth, open your mouth to a delicious new mouthful of dignified truth, now in cherry, blue berry, watermelon, and sour apple flavors. Stand strong chuck, you and Keith might be the secondary cumpuses only hope. This is lamont letting you know that your school is a myth. Rodger, do you read me? rodger?! thats a big ten four… Rodger, over and out..

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