It wasn’t supposed to be like this

[Note from 2017: This is part of a series of posts I wrote after suddenly discovering that religion can be questioned. I felt like I had broken into uncharted territories of thought and needed to reveal the way to the sad unenlightened. Drunk on this conviction, and still emotionally underdeveloped following a very introverted childhood, I proceeded to become the most condescending kind of atheist and also blindly wreak emotional havoc among the Christian parts of my family. Thankfully this was a phase. My current thoughts on religion are quite different, and at some point if I see fit to blog about them, you’ll be able to find them in the “religion” category here. I’m leaving the posts up as a window into that ugly time.]

Mom’s going through a nervous breakdown. She revealed to me this morning that she hadn’t eaten for three days. I made her one of her microwave Jenny Craig things, and she ate about half of it. She’s been crying all day long. She’s really at a low spot; I’ve never seen her like this before. This wasn’t supposed to happen. If I’d known – if I’d even suspected – I would never have done it like this. Pray for her, if you will. Dad’s taking her to Christ Hospital to get an IV, so she’ll have some nutrients in her. She says she’ll probably call off work tomorrow. I really hope she gets better, and in a hurry. I can’t stand to see her like this. Especially knowing that I started it all.


What have I done.

[2017 again: She came back from the hospital later that night and soon started eating again, and eventually was able to accept things the way they turned out to be, with some help from the Quakers. I took far longer to get a clue.]


Anonymous

History

You cannot blame yourself for this. You must be honest with yourself, and you must continue to think for yourself, philosophically and otherwise.

At the same time, you can continue to give her your love and support. If her faith is as strong as she says, it will carry her through her hard times.

You are both loved.

Aunt E.

Reply

Toy

History

I have been reading this and not commenting to either you or to Ann but…

this is not your fault, DO NOT take it on. Your questions, growth, self-discoveries and all that are not wrong nor should you feel that her emotional state could have been avoided. Nervous breakdowns, if you will, are a long time in coming. It is months or even years of stress building up. I speak from my own experiance.

Do not limit yourself or stifle yourself because of this. The last thing a mother wants is for her child to take on her burdens or stop growing out of guilt.

Part of growing up is to be your own person, not a clone of our parents. I will face that some day with my own boys. It is all part of it.

Grow, explore, question, think and live. Spirituality and faith are personal. BLIND faith is dangerous.

Toy

Reply

Vinny

History

One of the things you discover as life goes on is that it really isn’t “supposed to be” any particular way as much as you once might have thought. Sometimes life is just random and you have to figure out how to work with what you get.

It sounds like you tried very hard for a long time to be the kind of person that would make your mother feel like she had done the kind of job that she thought God wanted her to do. Only you know whether you can go back to doing that. If you can’t, then you will both need to suffer some pain while you learn a new way to relate. It is not pleasant to go through, but if you make it, you can have something true and honest on the other side.

Reply

Anonymous

History

Nat,

I am praying and I want you to know you are not the cause of this, I spoke your mom earlier and hoped to come see her tonight but unfortunately it was not possible but I plan on spending time with her tomorrow. I know you are worried about your mom but this is something she needs to work through you are dealing with things that are stirring her own concerns for you and issues from her past.

It’s good to ask questions unfortunately working through your faith and what you believe can be a long challenging road it is better to ask the questions and work things out within your heart and mind than to ignore them ~ I respect you for searching for answers.

If you need to talk or need anything please let me know and don’t allow what is going on with your mom to inhibit your search for truth she will be ok as she works out her own issues and her own faith. I will do my best to be as supportive as possible and keep you all close to my heart and in my prayers.

love
Vir

Reply Reply

Anonymous

History

Nathanael,
This is not your fault. It is OK to question everything around you. It is part of growing and maturing and becoming your own identity. You have to find your own path and believe in things because that is how you feel not because someone else is making or telling you to feel that way. It is very empowering to stand for your own beliefs because you searched and figured them out for yourself. Being as educated as possible about your feelings will help you a lot in your life. You are loved by all.

Reply

Hit Enter twice for a new paragraph. You can use asterisks to make *italics* and **bold**, and you can make links like so: [link says this](and goes to this address). Other fancy formatting possible via Markdown. (More)